Recently I was chatting with two friends who were recounting memories of childhood. One talked about her mother’s three divorces. The other remembered how afraid she was to be home alone while her mother worked, and then how it was to live with an aunt for a while. When they turned to me and asked about my childhood stories I explained that I had a very ordinary childhood with very little drama to share.
“I grew up in a home
where we always knew mom and dad loved each other. Dad brought Mom flowers and
Mom baked Dad’s favorite pies. We went to the beach in the summer, to the
canyon on Saturdays and we visited both sets of grandparents every Sunday
night. Pretty ordinary,” I said.
My friends sat quietly
for a minute and one spoke up and said, “That sounds pretty remarkable to me;
maybe no drama, but definitely not ordinary. I would have given anything to say
I knew my mom loved my dad.”
I’ve thought of that
several times since then. Growing up in
a home where people showed love to each other truly is a wonderful start to
life. What a gift from my parents! They are both gone now. Mom passed away at age 67 from a sudden heart
attack. Dad visited her grave almost
every day for almost 8 years before his health wasn’t up for that anymore. He missed her terribly, and now we miss them both. But what a legacy they left.
Mom and Dad were not
two peas in pod. But there was a lot of
give and take, and first and foremost they were part of a team. There was no score keeping about personal
irritations, or who was right and who was wrong, or who deserved what. They were truly partners. A win for either is
a win for both. Even better, they were sweethearts
who also liked each other and had fun together.
Looking back I’m
impressed by what a valuable template my parents gave their children for a happy
family life and being a kind person. The positive effects of that template have
rippled through several generations now.
For instance, every single year my mom delivered Valentines to her
children and grandchildren, door-bell ditching them on the front porch. Dad drove the car and Mom ran up to make the
drop and run. Her children do the same
with their siblings still because how could we not? My children do the same with their siblings,
even though it’s mostly the U.S. Postal service who has to make the drop off in
other states. The ripples go on.
For a child, few
things can match the stability, security and role modeling that comes from
having parents that love each other and are kind to each other. Single parents who demonstrate loving
kindness to their parents, siblings and neighbors also provide that stability
and role modeling. The old expression that “It’s the thought that counts,”
might apply sometimes, but our kids can’t read our thoughts very well, and it’s
the things our children see us do and
hear us say that imprints lessons in their memories.
Families are all
different but children all have the same needs.
When parents don’t stay together for whatever reason, it becomes even
more significant for a child to feel the security that comes from adults who
show civility, respect and cooperation as they co-parent or grandparent. We don’t always choose circumstances, but we
can choose to teach our children by example how to be kind, loving, and happy,
no matter what the challenges.
If you didn’t grow up
in the kind of home where Valentine’s Day was a big deal, channel Dave and
Donna, and practice saying the kinds of things you wish you had heard your
parents say when you were young. Maybe door-bell ditch a Valentine card, bring
home flowers, bake a pie, or tell the funny stories of days gone by. As kids, my siblings and I used to love
hearing how my parents met at a canyon party when they began flipping
watermelon seeds at each other. Give
your kids a template to work from of what happy and kind people do, and they
will thank you for it someday.
Thanks, Mom and Dad,
and Happy Valentines Day!
