Americans are passionate about their children.
Many parents dream, worry,
calculate, plan, line up, sign up and do everything save stand on their heads
to give their children a bright future.
But do the French do it better?
“Why French Parents are Superior,”
was published in the Wall Street Journal in February 4, 2012 and it suggests
that the French do a lot of things better than American parents. The article is by an American mother,
Pamela Druckerman, living in Paris with her three children. She noticed that middle class French parents
had children who obeyed their parents.
Even very young French children could eat in a restaurant without
throwing food or screaming. French
children knew how to politely talk to adults, and keep themselves happily
entertained when necessary without whining.
Just like Americans, the French,
middle-class parents she saw signed their children up for lessons, read to them
often, talked to the constantly, showed them nature and took them interesting
places. She also noticed that French
parents were less frazzled by their children, and enjoyed them more in
public. Americans seem to think that
having a child with a pleasant temperament is just luck, while the French see
it as something to cultivate.
` Even Druckerman admits that French
parents aren’t perfect, and their government system is vastly different,
including tax payer covered preschool, college, health care and a cash
allotment just for having kids. But she
suggests that French parents commonly do some things that are superior to the
American traditional ways:
1. The French are involved without
being obsessive. They assume that even
good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children. Parents can have a life with time set aside
that is not dominated by children.
2.
Parents are in charge. “Remind them, and yourself, who’s the boss. French parents say, “It’s me who decides.”
3. Children learn to wait. Babies can cry themselves back to sleep. Children can wait for dinner without constant
snacks. Children can wait until their
parents have finished talking without interrupting. Delayed gratification and self-control are
considered a crucial skill.
4. French mothers cultivate the
skill in a child of being happy by himself without constant parental
involvement. Children can play and keep
themselves entertained.
5. They view parenting as a time to
educate children. Discipline is a narrow
notion involving punishment, but they see themselves as educating their
children constantly with firm rules.
6. “No” means exactly that. Firm, convincing and absolute, when a French
mother says “no” it means no whining or negotiation. “Don’t be afraid to say
“no.” Kids have to learn how to cope
with some frustration.”
7. When they misbehave, give them
the “big eyes,” a stern look of admonishment,
(Which works
because they know who is in charge, and that parents know how to say “no.”)
8. Children should say hello,
goodbye, thank you and please. It helps
them to learn that they aren’t the only ones with feelings and needs.
Druckerman noticed that French
children actually view their parents as a genuine authority figures, and that
French parents have a very different view of what is and is not possible in
teaching a child. Chasing a child that
likes to run away is viewed as inevitable for most American mothers. Getting a child to listen and obey without
shouting, tears or tantrums is entirely normal to a French mother.
The author also postulates that
teaching children delayed gratification actually makes them calmer and more
resilient. American kids who are
generally accustomed to getting just what they want immediately seem to fall
apart under stress. I think she’s
right.
I think American parents do a lot of
things right, but Pamela Druckerman has some great observations of things we
could really do better. Rules are not
bad. Manners make life more pleasant.
Parents should be in charge.
Waiting is an important skill.
And teaching all of this will make children and parents happier.
I haven’t read Druckerman’s book on
the same subject, but the article had some great points. Pamela Druckerman’s book is Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother
Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, published by Penguin Press.
© Diane Mangum
