A common bumper-sticker states “No one is born a bigot.”
It bugs me. I think the bumper sticker is mostly
wrong. I think what the sticker means to
say is that children have to be taught to hate, which is mostly true. But hate grows from fear and selfishness, and
a little fear of the unknown comes naturally to almost all children. Selfishness comes quite naturally to almost
everyone.
Bigotry is
synonymous with intolerance. It has come
to be associated with racism, hatred, and intolerance for anyone who is
different, holds different opinions, or has a different lifestyle.
Bigots are people
who only want to be with people who do things they like, and agree with
them. Bigots want only comfortable,
familiar surroundings and get upset when anything in their world changes. That
sounds like a lot of children I know.
Intolerance and bigotry is actually quite a childish frame of mind, as
in something people should outgrow.
Most children
come into this world just a little fearful and they aren’t born loving everyone. Children who hide behind their mother’s skirts to peek out
and look at a stranger are as old as time.
Some children very quickly learn to be friendly, talk to others and want
to mingle. Some children are painfully
shy. Some cling to familiar things excessively. And some just are in their own
world for quite a long time before they even realize there are other people out
there.
Children who
aren’t fearful and want to talk to everyone are quickly reined in by adults who
want them to be worried about stranger danger.
It is tricky to teach a child to be nice to everyone, but not to trust
everyone.
Teaching,
however, is the important factor in raising children who are kind, empathetic
and open minded. We teach children to learn to eat more than macaroni and
cheese. We teach children to not be
afraid of the doctor’s office. We teach
children to be nice to aunts and uncles despite their bad breath, yappy dogs or annoying habits.
What the bumper
sticker ought to say is “Teach tolerance.”
Tolerance is something best learned
by watching role models. Children
very quickly pick up on the things that irritate their parents and mimic their
reactions. Anything you do your children
will feel justified in doing as well, and usually they will amplify it. Simple remarks or venting on the part of
parents can be seen as family policy statements. “We hate that football team.” “All those rich guys are crooks.” “If that man wins the election I’m moving to
Canada.” “I can’t stand those neighbor
kids.”
We all have things that annoy or anger us and sometimes need to
vent. It is really best done out of
earshot of children. Children see the
world as black and white and don’t understand the complicated nuances of adult
feelings. A rash statement made in anger by a parent will be interpreted as
absolute dogma by a child, taken all the more forcefully because of the anger.
Being tolerant doesn’t’ mean you have to agree with everyone you
meet. Learning to disagree agreeably is
really an important life skill and crucial to life in a community. Tolerance is about the way we treat people
regardless of how they vote, worship, or play.
Tolerance is about listening.
Tolerance is accepting the idea that different ideas from our own have
validity and a place in the public square.
Intolerance isn’t a problem with just the majority, the powerful or the
rich. Sometimes the underdog is just as
guilty of judging harshly without listening, of angry words, and mean spirited
attitudes. Tolerance and kindness need to come from all sides.
Tolerance begets listening and understanding. Understanding begets kindness. Kindness begets happiness. Suggestion for a new bumper sticker: Teach tolerance, please.
© Diane L. Mangum 2012
