You know that children lie, right?
They really do. And any parent who tells you “My child has
never lied to me,” hasn’t talked to his child, isn’t telling the truth, or is a
touch delusional.
Absolute honesty is actually a very
slippery thing in small children. The trick for adults is learning to
distinguish between make-believe, imaginative storytelling, simple social lies
and outright manipulation through dishonesty.
Children are much more complicated creatures that we often like to think
they are.
When you are small, playing pretend is
familiar territory that is visited often and truth becomes shadowy. If you can pretend to be Spiderman, or invite
seven princesses to dinner, it is not much of a stretch to tell your teacher
that your dad is a fireman or your mom is having a baby or your family likes to
play naked volleyball together? (My sister
was both amused and alarmed to learn that her son as a three year old told his
teacher that his family’s favorite thing to do was play volleyball naked in the
back yard.)
Usually a grin or a twinkle in the eye
tips you off that the child knows he or she is making up the whole story and
wants you to play along. Sometimes kids
have great poker faces and you’ll never know, and they really are hoping to
convince you of their big lie. Convincing you is part of their game. Sometimes children just get caught up in the
moment and blurt out what they wish was true as fact.
However, parents need to be aware that
very nice children in very good families can tell very intentional lies. Sorting out the truth and what to say when is
a very important part of growing up.
In just three or four years of life,
children grow from innocent babies to rather savvy social creatures who quickly learn
that a little lie might get them rewards or out of trouble.
Let me cite two examples:
One little girl played very happily all
day in preschool with friends. When her
father picked her up at the end of the day she broke into tears and said she
was so sad because no one had been nice to her.
Dad asked if going to McDonald’s for lunch would make her feel
better. She wiped away the tears and nodded
“yes” and they headed out the door and dad clearly felt like the hero of the
day. I am certain dad never heard how
much fun she had at preschool that day.
One little boy had a problem with getting
excited and whacking other boys while playing.
We dealt with the problem in school, but when I mentioned this to the
boy’s mother, she was very upset. “I
have never seen my son ever hit anyone.
I don’t believe he could possibly have done such a thing,” she stated. I mentioned that running and chasing outside
with nine other boys was very different from playing with mom and dad and
newborn baby sister. But mom was certain
her son would not hit anyone, ever.
The next day she confirmed that she had
talked to her son and he said he never hit anyone. Case closed. At the end of the year, mom came back with
an amended report. Her son admitted that
once he hit a boy who was being mean to a girl and so he had to protect her. Smiling, mom acknowledged that maybe he had hit
once or twice, but it was entirely honorable and for the right reasons. A little lying not only got the boy out of
trouble, he was now noble in mom’s eyes.
But the story simply wasn’t true.
Enjoy the wink and the smile and go along
with the tall tales. Imagination is a
wonderful thing. And then remember that
your child is human and that learning to tell the truth is a process best
taught by persistent parents over many years’ time.
© Diane L.
Mangum 2012
